On Personal Expressions of Discontent with the World: Paradox Invites Response

"no comment!" uploaded on November 3, 2006 by never happens on flickr

Paradox is a Persian blogger who has been sharing her thoughts and feelings over numerous blog incarnations for more than three years. Text from her blog have been re-posted on Baha'i Views several times, as have quite a number of her pictures from her Flickr site. She is not a Baha'i, although it was her posting about the Faith and her disclosure that a childhood friend of hers back in Iran was Baha'i that makes her posts especially relevant to Baha'i Views readers.

Paradox went back to Iran to visit her family for the summer. Since her return she has not posted a lot, but very recently she has begun a new blog, nelumbo-nucifera, for "throwing out all my thoughts and things that bother me," she writes. In another comment she said, "yeah i need a big shake to my life and myself... that's why i decided to write as openly and outspoken as possible, though i find it harder than i thought!"

Although her thoughts and comments are ultimately unique to her as a person, still they are representative of a discontent that has been widespread in the world for years, even going back the past two centuries, if we take into account the literary figures she cites in her post.

Although her posting is highly personal, her invitation for comment is clear. She would appreciate receiving feedback from others, and so I re-post her observations here. -gw

1900. Leo Tolstoy and Gorky.

perhaps millions of people have lived to date who were unhappy about their lives, their being born, their upbringing...perhaps, millions of other people ignored their own inner voice and their mission as a human, and they lived as happy as larks.
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i, personally, was brought up with a close attention to a long list of do's and dont's.
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i was taught to develop the virtue and suppress the vile in me.
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Fyodor Dostoevsky
i was kept away from the ugly realities of this world, from cruelties, selfishnesses, dishonesties, deceptions... ignorance and shallowness, a long list of vile...
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(but my parents were wrong by keeping me pasteurized and detatched, as much as they could.)
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Samad Behrangi

my first experience of getting exposed to the outer world ended up bringing up a big problem for me and family... i was strong, though... and my parents' support helped me as well to get over it soon.but what did we learn? my parents felt more worried and feared.
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i kinda learned, however, that perhaps i should give it a second thought before trusting people totally!
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Ahmad Shamlou
but i was still immature and naive.
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years passed... i lived with purity and innocence pervaded inside home and cruelty and ugliness spread widely outside, while unconsciously i tried to keep a distance from the harshness and ugliness of the society.
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but that was a mistake, too. i thought shielding myself will keep me unharmed, but won't prevent me from progress.but...
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Forough Farrokhzad

i gave what i had, i said what i meant, i meant what i said... all what i had learned...
but, all in vain!
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i believed people and what they said, i trusted their "friendships", i took what they said as what they meant, ... (but i was wrong, i have been wrong... always wrong, still wrong!)
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i grew more and more, but detached from numerous things in everyday lives of people, their casual relations and "friendships" , from being shallow and superficial, from living a carefree life, from all their manipulative behaviors which were taboos for me and my family, but so normal for them, so normal and part-of-life... and i was so blind!
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and my family failed to help... because they remained even more naive than me... !
they were happy with my detachment from many aspects of social life, they called it "protection" and believed in it and encouraged it.they ignored many things... poor them!
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they were so preoccupied with the dangers of growth and social life that ignored my needs as a human, who perhaps wanted to live just like everyone else!they ignored to know me as the person i was... poor me!
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i hated being an apple-polisher, i resented boot-licking and pleasing those in higher position than me; i avoided any reason i had to butter anyone up for...
i never took whatever it takes to get what i want.
never used others to step up higher.
i was never a yes-woman, never a wannabe...
i kept my dignity intact.
i kept my pride high.
i walked tall.
whatever i got was through my own efforts and not even good luck.
i'd learnd to keep my integrity, always, no matter what!
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i couldn't enter any sort of relationship whatsoever, just like that, only as an experience, or simply for the sake of growth and learning... because i resented casualness, because i was taught to be serious and avoid "cheap" fun, because i was expected to be dignified and resolute
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"this is not a temple or a holy shrine!" uploaded on June 20, 2005 by never happens on flickr

i grew up reading "Maxim Gorky"*, "Dostoyevsky"**. i grew up with "Hedayat", "Behrangi", "Shamlou", "Forough", ...*** while the kids of my generation were reading TinTin... (not that i look down on them)...they had common things to talk about, even after they grew to young men and women... but i usually ended up discussing with older generation, who i had something in common to talk about with!
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the...irony, though, was this bitter truth that those kids had now grown up to people who could wrap everyone round their little fingers, who could easily lie to get to what they want to, who could manipulate anyone to get their jobs done... and i, was and have been left in my world, all alone, left in my taught principles of honesty and purity and innocence... humbleness and being down-to-earth.
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and now, i doubt all of those virtues.
i doubt the truth in the freaking life i have lived.
i doubt all the principles and values i have been proud of.
and came all the way down to this point to feel that i don't fit this...world
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Aleksei Maksimovich Peshkov**
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky***
Persian(Iranian) writers/poets: (Hedayat, Behrangi, Shamlou, Forough, Forough in wiki)
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Paradox, "if I were to confess, I and II," nelumbo-nucifera