Thursday, October 15, 2009

On Premarital Sex: What is a relationship?

Blogged about

How is this for the start of a thread? It's on the site Connecting Singles Forum and has four pages of responses so far. -gw

I'm curious. The subject comes up because the man I've started dating is a member of the Baha'i faith, and they don't believe in premarital sex at all. And sex includes kissing, the research that answered that telling me why he hasn't kissed me yet, though we've now had three dates. Apparently they do believe in a short courtship, though, because of this and their awareness of human nature.

I asked him what his own views are regarding this, and he's not sure. I'm willing to give him time to figure it out, and to wrap my mind around the thought of marrying someone without ever having had sex first. Without kissing, though, I have to see...this isn't easy for a woman like me. No premarital sex was difficult enough to wrap my brain around, but doable. I want more than a slaking of physical need when we join because with this man I want full unity of mind, body, and spirit.

His roommate and some of my friends have stated that we can't consider ourselves to be in a relationship because we haven't had sex yet, and it made me wonder how that became the definition of being in a relationship. If two people wait until marriage, does that mean they're not in a relationship at all until they marry? 

If you were interested enough in someone, and your feelings were definitely growing strong for them, could you date someone whose beliefs were like this, even if those weren't your beliefs? 


Anonymous said...

I am dating someone who is of the Baha'i faith, though I am not. To complicate things further, we started dating before he was a declared Baha'i, and we were already involved in a sexual relationship. Now we have stopped having sex, but it has proven to be a very blurry line of what is right for him, for me, and for us. Most of the time I do not find a conflict dating someone of the Baha'i faith because the religion focuses so heavily on acceptance and unity of all people. Dating does not seem to be a problem at all. The problems are coming from the continued growth of feelings between each other. I can accept and tolerate so much from a person I am dating, but I am seeking a deeper connection from a person I want to share my life with. I find that not having premarital sex is a conflict for me because I seem to agree with you in that what I want in a relationship is a connection on many levels...including a sexual level.

As far as defining a relationship, although I have always believed a physical connection was important, I have never believed in defining a relationship by one. A relationship is whatever you decide it is to you, and to no one else, besides your partner. As I am no where near deciding what is right for my current relationship, I do not have any definitive advice to give, except that I take it day by day, and so far I have found that I am not willing to give up all that I do have with this man because of one thing I don't have.

Anonymous said...

I find it refreshing....

I was sexually molested for many years, did lose my virginity willingly at 19, married and had a child then divorced. Shortly after in a sexual monogamous relationship which ended within two years. Chose celebacy for two years and again in a sexual monogamous relationship for 5 years, married and it ended within 2 days. I chose chastity over sex being through much and having a teenager who deserved to not be confused the men I chose to bring into our lives.

I worked for a couple of years with someone. We had so many of the same beliefs morally, ethically and spiritually. He would become my dearest and truest friend....It would be several years after it was obvious how deeply connected we were before he told me he was a Baha'i. I did not know what a Baha'i was, but when he explained it everything fell into place. The subtle kiss on the cheek or forehead or peck on the lips. There was no pressure. We spent those years prior to that revelation enjoying tremendously long talks, cooking meals, watching movies, spending days and nights on the beach, and discovering each other. We like each other and when I look at him and how wonderful he is spiritually, mentally and physically, I want to be that for him. He is the reflection in the mirror. That is true intimacy, and it is undeniable.

I have studied the Baha'i Faith the past couple of years. I had always been intrigued with religions. I have discovered that in my heart I have always been a baha'i and this coming Naw Ruz I will officially declare it so! I have finally found the one God had always intended for me and the faith I had only known in my dreams!!

Best wishes to you ladies and enjoy the journey!